Biden Supporters Storm the Capitol

 By Logan Gladstone ‘28
    In the early morning of January 6th, 2025, at 12 pm, with oat milk lattes in hand and vegan leather shoes, supporters of former President Biden stormed the Capitol in Washington, D.C.

The previous night, Joe Biden gave a speech to his followers in front of the White House. Half of the speech was incomprehensible, leading people to believe he said, “Storm the Capitol.” What he meant to say was, “Buy shovels and prepare for the upcoming storm.”
    Many different flags and signs rose to the air during the walk to the Capitol.
One sign read, “Ban All Billionaires.” The carrier of the sign was interviewed, and she said, “My family is only worth $950 million, so as a part of the working class, I feel obligated to stand up for the people and destroy billionaires because they are a symbol of greed and capitalism.”
    It was easy to avoid the protesters inside the Capitol because people were live-streaming it. Almost every news channel from CNN to Al-Jazeera showed a perspective of the protest from inside of it. The only major news channel that did not show it was FOX.
    When Biden was questioned on why his supporters were raiding the Capitol, he responded, “What is going on? I don’t remember what I said. Those are Kamala's supporters, mine are at home.”
    According to many eyewitness accounts, the hallways of the Capitol were converted from basic hallways to a farmer's market. Many of the things sold were kombucha, yoga mats, vegan burgers, and $17 oat-milk matcha lattes.
Many people flocked inside the Capitol for the farmers market which was advertised on social media as an all-natural, organic, vegan, gluten-free, fat-free, dairy-free, preservative-free, dye-free, non-profit extravaganza.
Republican political officials felt extremely threatened and scared for their lives when they heard about the farmers market. “Veganism scares me more than China,” stated representative Marjorie Taylor Greene while crying.
    President Donald Trump stated in an interview, “None of these left-wing communists know how to do anarchy like my red-blooded American supporters. They sicken me, don’t they know how to throw a Molotov cocktail and use an AK? What are they teaching at Columbia and Berkeley these days?”
    Many liberal organizations are planning their next protests at “more aesthetic places for photos” like Starbucks or a yacht show after the success of the Capitol raid.