Mr. Stern Dominates in Alumni Basketball Comeback

By Alma Adiel ‘27
The annual alumni basketball game at Golda Och Academy is usually a lighthearted battle between the current Varsity Boys' team and previous players who are now alumni. This year, it quickly plunged into an array of missed layups, airballs, and a very angry commentator.

The Alumni Team, featuring a lineup of former varsity stars whose glory days were clearly left behind, struggled to stay focused and alert during the game. By the third quarter, the varsity team was up 82-15, and the alumni players looked like they needed an appointment with a spa (or psychologist).
    “This is embarrassing!” screamed Mr. Stern, the notoriously calm and collected JV basketball coach, who was doubling as the game’s commentator. Stern, a 5’7 history teacher, was struggling to contain his frustration.
    He yelled into his microphone after a particularly painful airball, “These alumni are a disgrace to the game of basketball! Is this what I have to work with once you graduate? You forget the meaning of determination?” 
    With eight minutes left in the second half and the varsity team losing by almost triple, Mr. Stern slammed his clipboard down, ripped off his iconic blue sweatshirt, and stormed onto the court.
    “I can’t watch this anymore! Sub me in!” The crowd was extremely excited to see what would happen next. 
Sophomore Paul Raskin states, “Once he wanted to play I was so much more invested. I knew Mr. Stern would live up to his ultra-legendary JV coach reputation. I wasn’t wrong.”
    Stern, dressed in his khakis, checked himself into the game. As a Solomon Schechter alumni himself, he was permitted to join the game. 
The alumni players, desperate for anything, happily handed him the ball.
    On his first possession, Stern launched a three-pointer from just past half-court and swished it. The crowd erupted. 
Freshman Jordana Lorrimer exclaims, “When I saw Mr. Stern make that first shot I knew we were in for a show. I was sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see what he would do next.”
On the next play, the stunned varsity players decided to double-team him. Stern, unfazed, weaved through the defenders, faked out the 6 ft 2 in center, and demonstrated a preposterous one-handed dunk that shattered not just the backboard, but also the varsity team’s confidence.
Stern was unstoppable. He broke ankles with crossovers, reminiscent of his time with a broken ankle, and even pulled off an incomprehensible alley-oop to himself. At one point, he called timeout just to lecture the varsity players on defensive fundamentals. 
Meanwhile, the varsity team crumbled under the pressure of being outplayed by someone who regularly assigns DBQs. 
When the buzzer finally sounded, the alumni won by a total of three points. The final shot was naturally a backward cross-court shot from Mr. Stern with two defenders on him.
The gym exploded into chaos. Students, alumni, and administration alike stormed the court to congratulate Stern on his game, with a final score of 176-82. Stern had scored 161 points in one quarter. 
When asked about his performance, Stern was characteristically humble. “This isn’t about me”, the AP U.S. History teacher said. “It’s about teaching these kids a valuable lesson.”
One thing is certain, no alumni game at Golda Och Academy will ever be the same.