Shayne Cytrynbaum Takes Over as Military Dictator

By Noah Cytrynbaum ‘28
    After a bloody coup in which GOA senior Shayne Cytrynbaum overthrew the U.S. democratic regime, he was declared President for Life and Military Dictator. The constitution was suspended, martial law declared, and a state of emergency put in place. 

The dovish climate activist showed his true colors when he used the military to arrest or kill his political opponents throughout all facets of government and society, including the military, Congress, the now former president, and his formerly-allied political activists. 
    Protests have erupted against the new regime. Although our journalists never returned to their homes, so we can’t know for sure, it is thought that there was a violent crackdown on the protests. 
    Alongside a takeover of news and media, social media has been shut down indefinitely to prevent the spread of “anti-government propaganda.” 
    The former president and prominent members of his government waved a farewell to the country as they boarded a plane to England. Unfortunately, it has been reported that the plane “experienced unforeseen complications” and the plane crashed, killing everyone on board. The new press Secretary said, “Yeah, it was us.”     
             Many staff members from Cytrynbaum’s school are now high-ranking members of the government, including the new Secretary of Propaganda and Public Information, Jonathan Hefetz, and Commander of the Home Army, Rick Ober. He is a staunch anti-communist and supposedly ordered the crackdown on the protesters.
    “I’ve been worried for years about the rise of Shayne,” said concerned citizen Oren Goldman. Anti-Cytrynbaum activist Katriela Nelkin added, “He seems just plain evil, and I can’t imagine what it must be like to be his friend!”
    President Shayne Cytrynbaum began his political career as a humble climate activist. He was the national Policy Co-Director for the Jewish Youth Climate Movement as well as head of the GOA Climate Activism Club, both of which have now been declared mandatory for all students to join. 
    From there, he ran for Governor of New Jersey, where his main rival allegedly drove off a cliff. Afterwards, he was appointed as Secretary of Public Security, giving him the power to take command of the armed forces, police, and secret service if there were a threat to the government. 
    Cytrynbaum swooped in to save Congress after discovering that he himself had threatened to blow it up, and promptly launched an overthrow of the government. 
    President Cytrynbaum made a speech on national television in which he said, “As a climate activist, I care for the average and vulnerable American, at least the ones loyal to me.” Later, he remarked, “For all those who oppose me, I will send you to Florida, where the hurricanes are so strong you won’t last a minute, or to California, where it’s on fire all year round.” 
    On his first day, he outlined plans to do just this, as well as sending opposition members to “Wyoming” (a fictional place used as a government code word for a middle-of-nowhere prison) and to Canada, which is self-explanatory. 
    Yael Benzaquen ‘26, his Secretary of Climate Action, pitched in on the policy. Some anti-regime people said that Secretary of Climate Action is just a title, and that her real job is cracking down on opponents. Among the opposition, Benzaquen has earned the nickname, “The Butcher of West Orange.” 
    His brother Noah has spoken out against this takeover, saying, “I always thought he used his climate activism as a means to grab power, and I said as much on numerous occasions. It looks like his friendly persona was just a mask over the face of an egomaniac.” 
    The White House responded with a statement writing, “The President’s brother is a whiny annoying child who is jealous of literally everything.” 
    It has been reported that the senior has ordered his brother's capture and immediate execution, though this has not been verified. 
    Cytrynbaum is a Canadian citizen, and due to the Prime Minister resigning, some within his administration are hinting at plans for annexation.