Straight White Men Finally See Gov’t On Their Side

By Remy Friedberg ‘28
    Men across the country expect to see major breakthroughs in men’s rights once the Trump Administration gets its way.  

Since the feminist movement began, men have had to suffer being treated as equal citizens in the United States. With President Trump’s long-standing history of being an avid masculinist, the country can finally expect a leader who can help un-level the playing field and give men the respect that they deserve.
Often treating women as objects, sexualizing women in the media and catcalling them in the streets, men are demanding more rights. Under the new administration, expectations are that women will finally be put back in their place.
    “I think it’s time for women to head back to the kitchen. I know my fellow men and I deserve to use our God-given brains on more productive things than housework, and I’m sure there’s been a significant decline in work quality since the women started to bleed in,” said a frustrated GOA sophomore.
Men routinely compete for jobs only to find they are filled by slightly more qualified women for the sake of “diversity” and “equality in the workforce.” The Trump administration has promised that only beautiful young women will hold jobs, freeing up many important positions for men.  
Within his overall goal of dismantling gender inequality, Trump's efforts have seemed to hone in on the cisgender, white-skinned, and heterosexual majority. 
Popular non-profits such as WLM (White Lives Matter), Straight to the Point (a heterosexual advocacy group) and the CDF (Cis and Desist Fund) have recently received generous donations from an anonymous donor by the name of “Tonald Drump.”
 It is unclear from whom these contributions originate, but all of the preceding charities have expressed their unwavering support for the President.
“When I heard that Trump had finally won, I quite literally jumped for joy. After having 46 male presidents, it’s nice to hear that men finally will have someone who wants to make a difference, for a change,” said a realistic female GOA rabbinics teacher.
    According to many X posts, most Trump supporters reacted similarly. Plenty who would normally vote for a Democrat admitted to changing their stance for this election, from what they say was “out of necessity.”
    Men in America want to work, want to philander, and want to be able to ogle and harass women to their hearts’ desire.  Their overwhelming support for Trump in the recent election proves that they did not appreciate how the previous administration held them back from doing so.
    “It is arguably cruel for federal law to dictate what I do to others with my own body. My body, their body, my choice!” said an angry male GOA senior.