Marjorie Taylor Greene to Run Unopposed for Next Year’s Student Council

By Sam Zaslow-Braverman ‘23

    In a shocking turn of events, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene recently announced her bid for every Student Council position at Golda Och Academy, a small Jewish day school located in New Jersey. The news was delivered at a press conference held at the U.S. Capitol building on Feb. 18.
    “I am a firm believer in the power of government on all levels,” Greene claimed during the press conference. “More specifically, I am a firm believer in the use of Jewish space lasers by said government.”

Soon after this announcement, Greene was heard ranting to an aide, “I’m going after every spot on the Student Council because I don’t have any idea who controls the Jewish space lasers or the Jewish Coronavirus engines. I think I’m just going to cover all the bases.”
    Already Greene’s campaign has met plenty of controversy within Golda Och.  Sophomore Ava Hurwitz is one student who is strongly opposed to her claims.
    “I think it’s an absolute travesty,” Hurwitz said. “Once Marjorie Taylor Greene gets her hands on the Jewish space lasers, we won’t get to use them! Once that happens, how am I going to toast waffles for breakfast? It’s an injustice.”
    However, some Golda Och students are willing to embrace this change, including sophomore Dash Kreizman.
    “I understand why people might not like her, but I’ve wanted someone else to take over the Jewish space lasers for a while now,” Kreizman explained. “I’ve been in charge of them for the past few months, and I still haven’t figured out how to make them work. I mean, I always end up hitting the death ray button instead of the disco party one, and that's a real problem.”
    In addition to utilizing the power of GOA’s state-of-the-art Jewish space lasers, Greene is reportedly considering organizing an additional Gamepigeon tournament. Greene elaborated on this plan during the conference.
    “Gamepigeon tournaments are a fun and easy way for students to connect with one another in a safe manner,” Greene explained. “Of course, the grand prize would be access to every Jewish freeze-ray kippah this school owns. That’s what’s causing the arctic blast over in Texas, right?”
 However, this statement was incorrect, as FedEx failed to deliver the shipment of freeze-ray kippot on time. 
    Analysts from around the country are confounded by Greene’s decision. Many are deeming the career move needlessly risky.
    “The world of high school politics is ruthless,” Jamison Dailies, a political analyst, said. “It’s full of turmoil, both internal and external. When I was in high school, I was elected treasurer, and I was impeached after three days over undisclosed hush-money payments. Being a member of Congress is easier.”
    Greene’s decision is truly unprecedented, and an extremely interesting development in the world of Congress. However, controlling GOA’s arsenal of Judaism-adjacent weapons is simply one facet of her platform. As of Feb. 27, various insider sources have begun speculating that Greene will also announce an additional pickleball tournament.