Mr. Kurzweil & Mr. Anderson: Math Teachers or Undercover Aliens?

By Rebecca Altmann ‘24
While trying to steal one of Mr. Anderson’s ties, junior Jesse Berkowitz discovered a remarkable secret. A document left on Anderson’s desk revealed that he and Mr. Kurzweil planned to break into NASA headquarters and complete a secret mission: kidnap GOA students and bring them to Planet Zortoc.

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When confronted by two student investigators, Anderson confessed to the conspiracy.
“Fine! I admit it… I’m a spy from Planet Zortoc. I intend to build a rocket with the help of Kurzweil, a former employee at NASA, to bring the brightest students back with me to develop my home.” 
Anderson and Kurzweil began their secret mission by breaking into NASA headquarters. When asked how they got past NASA’s rigorous security, Mr. Kurzweil explained, “Security there is a joke,” explaining how the two easily entered inside the building.
They headed to the Rocket Center, where they began to assemble their spaceship. The two worked for hours, attempting to create the best rocket ever. Eventually, with Kurzweil’s experience at NASA shining through, the rocket was finally ready. Full of excitement, Anderson had a history-making, earth shattering power surge, exposing their break-in. Security quickly discovered their location and began searching for the intruders. 
Six NASA security guards chased them through the building, shouting “Mr. Kurzweil?! Is that you? You know you’re not allowed back here after the incident of ‘09. Hey, get back here!”
Ultimately the pair leaped out a window, landing safely in Anderson’s fire truck parked outside the building. They thought they were in the clear until they saw 12 police cars in pursuit. The cars surrounded them, and in a panic, Anderson improvised a rap to the rhythm of the sirens. The mesmerized officers didn’t notice that the fugitives were actively escaping until they were already too far gone to chase.
    However, Mr. Anderson worried that “the FBI will be looking for us.” Mr. Kurzweil was surprised, saying, “They’re not already watching you? I’m on a few lists.” In order to prevent being discovered by the FBI, the pair took new identities. Anderson went by the name of “Andernut,” and Kurzweil by “Dr. Dan.” 
    Now that they had created the rocket and hidden their true identities, the pair needed to gather students to take back with them to Zortoc. They hoped to find the most intelligent and unique students to help improve their home planet. To do so, Kurzweil left a trail of his punniest math shirts, luring the students and leading them to the rocket. 
Before the real launch, the two ran a trial run. They attempted to launch the rocket, but it would not budge. After hours of evaluating it and searching for the complication, they realized that there was a massive problem that could only be solved with a calculus formula. Kurzweil rushed to his AP Calculus class, getting all of his students to solve the problem. 
“It was so weird and confusing,” said junior Mimi Lebeau. “He ran into class and ordered us to start a near impossible problem. When we finally solved it, he sprinted out of the classroom. It was mind boggling. I had not seen him run so fast since the kickball game on the all high school Shabbaton.”
    Now that the issue was fixed, the pair prepared for the real launch of their creation. At exactly 8:31, the rocket was launched from the GOA lower lot.
“We were nervous but excited,” said Kurzweil. “Mr. Anderson and I had been planning this for years, and now it is finally happening. We want to finally prove to everyone else that humans are great and can make changes to enhance our amazing planet.”
    The rocket took off, allowing the pair, along with 45 students, to go to  Zortoc. Though many students are happy with the success of the mission, some are still recovering from losing their friends or favorite teachers. “Math class will never be the same without Mr. Anderson,” said junior Adina Newman. 
“Mr. Kurzweil was an amazing math teacher. He changed the math teaching industry forever,” said math department head Ms. Bilmes. “Even though we will miss him and Mr. Anderson dearly, we are amazed by their success, and they will continue to inspire GOA students to strive for their dreams.” 

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