Mr. Hefetz Corrupts Battle of the Bards in Series of Shocking Scandals

By Chava Herniter ‘23
A series of scandals has emerged from the hallowed grounds of Golda Och Academy. The school has been cursed with a corrupt staff member and no department is safe.

The first of what was initially believed to be an isolated incident occurred in the Language Arts department when Mr. Jonathan Hefetz was accused of hogging senior Language Arts classes. As the department chair and a supposedly qualified teacher, the student body let the incident pass without much uproar.
    However, Mr. Hefetz is not fully in the clear from these allegations, and is also the perpetrator in a new crop of scandals. Mr. Hefetz’s affairs have also contaminated the sanctity of the “Battle of the Bards,” Golda Och Academy’s annual slam poetry competition. The student body is outraged.
    After a long investigation, the Golda Och special crimes unit (GOSCU) has discovered that Mr. Hefetz regularly takes bribes from students to alter the vote count and ensure that particular students emerge victorious inthe “Battle of the Bards.” But Mr Hefetz’s greed goes far beyond, as he has given extra essay points to a student in exchange for black-market, limited edition coconut M&M’s. 
While students should not engage in such outrageous behavior, teachers specifically are meant to be above such condemnation and the protectors of students' poor, fragile ideas of morality. Mr. Hefetz’s conduct is unthinkable and a disgrace to the Golda Och Academy name. 
Mr. Hefetz defends his credibility by declaring, “I haven’t taken a single math class since college, but I make sure to use every single one of my fingers and toes for the vote. Sure, I may not be wearing my glasses, but I squint really hard so it's irrelevant. My integrity is beyond reproach.” 
At this last line, he pulls out a wrinkled bag from his back pocket and pops a white M&M into his mouth.
Junior Sophie Fischer is not surprised by the accusations surrounding Mr. Hefetz.
“I heard that the only reason Sam [ZB, second place BOTB 2021] lost was because Hefetz took a bribe from Eliana [Finkel, first place BOTB 2021],” Fischer says. “She only won by one vote, yet everyone I’ve talked to said they voted for Sam. Something doesn’t add up. I’ve known Mr. Hefetz for four years and in all the time I’ve known him, there’s been something up with him. He practically forced freshmen to join Battle of the Bards so it would get more hype. After last year’s battle, I’ve kept my guard high.”
Although Mr. Hefetz’s actions have shocked most of the student body, some still refuse to condone him. Junior Sam Zaslow-Braverman is staunchly opposed to such allegations against his beloved teacher. 
“Each and every claim made against Mr. Hefetz is categorically untrue,” Braverman says. “In the years I have known him, he hasn’t taken any money. Occasionally we may gamble. Gambling is a fun pastime, and it is well within our legal right to gamble. You don’t have to worry about it. We haven’t taken any– he hasn’t taken any bribes. And you can take that to the bank.”
Yet the allegations against Mr. Hefetz continue, with the most recent being that he has provided students with his own personal poems for use in “BOTB.” This is a disgrace, a breach of proprietary rights and an example of unethical plagiarism. Through this, Mr. Hefetz has actively encouraged students to behave immorally to further their professional careers.
This poem scandal is not the only offense regarding plagiarism Mr. Hefetz has been accused of. There is talk that the poems he has been secretly distributing are not even his, but the work of more famed writers. Poems believed to have been circulated are “Sick” by Shel Silverstein and “Life Doesn’t Frighten Me” by Maya Angelo.
Hefetz's final and most outrageous atrocity is that he has been running a sweatshop of pre-AP track students writing poems. The poor students have been locked in a windowless room, where the walls are covered in mold and a single yellow fluorescent light bulb dangles from the ceiling. 
One recently freed student anonymously said that “sometimes the fumes from the mold allowed me to hallucinate a better life. Sometimes the hope gave me better poems and I would be rewarded by being closer to the lightbulb.”
Mr. Hefetz contradicted such allegations by saying: “Those children are well taken care of, and they are there of their own free will–at least once their ransom is paid. They are not malnourished at all, one of them managed to chew through the locks–a great source of iron.”
Mr. Hefetz also claims he provides the students with four-minute brain breaks, but nonetheless, the mortification of the student body is indescribable. The hallways are filled with confusion and anger. The school will have a hard time recovering from the disgrace he has brought upon us.
One of the most celebrated teachers in the school, Mr. Stern, sums up the sentiments towards Mr. Hefetz:
 “I’m not surprised,” Mr. Stern says. “Everyone knows he is a power-hungry madman that gives credit to no one. He hypocritically tells students to cite sources and then commits such an act. He will step on anyone who gets in his way of achieving power, whether they be poets, rappers or kittens. At the very least, he deserves a public flogging.”